The Philosophy Professor

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Actual Australian Court Docket

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  

The man seemed more amused.  

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. 
  

The case came up in court. 


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.  

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. 

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

  But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.' 


'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Vodka Christmas Cake

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake

1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. 

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. 

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. 

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver 

Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. 

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. .

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat! 

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a  Dublin  University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. 

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....  



Look Paddy....there's that fecking eejit that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to expressthe truth differently without lying.

Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, 
'I will not lie.' 
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

Three Headed Giraffe

I have just heard from my photo news agency, that my photo of the "three headed" giraffe, has been used by The Perth Sunday Times.

It was published in the UK, in both the Daily Mail and Daily Mirror, in May this year. I'm afraid I dont have a copy of the Perth publication but you can see scans of the two UK ones here.

For those of you who haven't seen the photo before, here it is:

Three Headed Giraffe

If you wish to buy a  Print of this, visit Photo4Me, where you are able to chose from a standard canvas print, a canvas tryptich, a framed print, a print mounted on MDF or an acrylic print.

You can also order prints and cards from Fine Art America.