“French threat level”

The truth from Google!!!

1- Go to www.google.com

2- Type in "Failure", without the quotes

3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling Lucky"

4- Look at it and laugh at what comes up

5- Tell your friends before the people at Google Fix it

Chinese Sick Leave

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Advice..........

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.


RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.


WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.


SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.


MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.


BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.


EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.


MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.


GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.


BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.


ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.


PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.


CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.


DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.


MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.


SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.


BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.


ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.


McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

Damn women drivers!

This morning on the M25, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford Focus doing 60 mph with her face up to the mirror putting on her mascara. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she really scared me. I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Mars Bar out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Oscar and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!