Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's I go fishing."

We All Love Lawyers

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It’s worth reading to the end!

Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to understand.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_______
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh….
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Dam Beavers

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.

***************************************************************

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division

******* Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: *******
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act,

I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers-but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to ontact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS.

The Tossers

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a tosser!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word tosser," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the tosser. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a tosser!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 0171 8xx-4xxx.

Keep reading, it gets better!

Chapter 2

An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me.

He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a tosser, there sure are a lot of tossers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 8xx-4xxx and yelling, "You're a tosser!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too.

After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a tosser!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two tossers to call. Then, after several months of calling the tossers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial tosser #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a tosser!", but I didn't hang up.

The tosser said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up.

Then I called tosser #2.

He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, tosser!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your arse."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, tosser!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! Watching the two tossers kicking the crap out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Name withheld to protect the guilty.

Predict Father of Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter

San Jose, Costa Rica ; February 9, 2007

In the midst of the online “Celebetting” craze, bettors from WagerWeb.com are predicting who will be determined as the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s five month old daughter, Dannielynn. Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern and Prince Frederick von Anhalt top the list.

“Bettors are fascinated with wagering on everyday news, especially stories surrounding celebrities,” says Dave Johnson, CEO of WagerWeb.com. “Whether it involves celebrity break ups or DUI arrests, our bettors call and write us showing overwhelming interest in betting on celebrities.”

The odds posted on WagerWeb.com are as follows:


Howard K. Stern 1:2 -$200 *Risk $200 to win $100

Larry Birkhead 1:1 +$100 *Risk $100 to win $100

Prince Frederick von Anhalt 2:1 +$200 *Risk $100 to win $200

Field (anyone else) 4:1 +$400 *Risk $100 to win $400


About WagerWeb
WagerWeb.com, founded in 1997, is a privately held, offshore online gaming company, fully licensed and located in San Jose, Costa Rica. With nearly 10 years of experience, innovation and gaming technology, Wagerweb.com features a sportsbook, a racebook and casino including poker, and has accepted more than 59,000,000 wagers since the company’s launch.

The customer is always right?

Customer: I have been ringing 0700 2300 for two days now and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?

Operator: Where did you get that number from?

Customer: It was on the door of your travel center

Operator: They are our opening hours.

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Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?

Operator: I am sorry sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.

Caller: In your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Can you give me his number?

Operator: I think you mean the telephone point on the wall.

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Caller: Does your European breakdown policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?

Operator: Doesn’t the name of the product give you s clue?

xxxxxxxxx

Caller: Can you give me the phone number for the knitwear company in Woven?

Operator: We have no record of a place called Woven, are you sure?

Caller: Yes, it clearly states on the label: Woven in Scotland.

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Tech Support: I need you to right-Click on the open desktop.

Customer: OK.

Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: OK, Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: OK, can you please tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer: Sure. You told me to write click and I wrote click.

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Tech Support: OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen you should see the “Start” button displayed.

Customer: Wow, how can you see my screen from there?