Blond Jokes

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What's the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver’s license..

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together! Just yesterday they took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to you?”

 AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

 A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.  She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”

KNITTING

A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”

 BLONDE ON TIME

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was named “Timex”.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watchdogs...”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

In the swim meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, fucking want.

No wonder you are on you own, you deserve being left on the shelf.  Now fuck off!

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy!

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

You just can't make this stuff up......

Woman sues Samsung for $1.8M after cell phone gets stuck inside her vagina   An  Albuquerque woman is suing Samsung for $1.8 million after she necessitated medical attention after inserting her cell phone inside her vagina and was unable to retrieve it for 96 hours.  Salma Briant, 39, claims her medical bills at the University of New Mexico Hospital amount  to $1,168,000 and that she has suffered from severe psychological  distress because of the whole ordeal.  Briant said she first inserted  the cell phone inside her vagina as a dare from one of her friends but  quickly realized that the phone would not come out. Attorney Jim McAfee’s claims his client was forced to undergo a caesarean section to remove the cell phone because of the atypical shape of her pelvis and had no insurance at the time.  A Samsung spokesman said they would not comment on this case at this moment but explained that an out-of-court settlement was still an option on the table.  “I wanted to see how it would feel to put my cell phone on vibration mode inside of me, just for fun, but it soon turned out to be a nightmare,” she told judge Andrew Peterson in tears. “Samsung is definitely at fault here as they offer no warning about the dangers and potential risks during the insertion of their products inside their clients male or female body cavities or genitals” Salma Briant’s lawyer, Jim McAfee said in court.

Food for Thought!! The Wedding Night!

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a friendly little father-son chat.

 

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something important. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

 

"I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  Ever since that night we never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his first honeymoon night, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants.

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.

And they lived happily ever after.

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.         

2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?         

1st woman:    I froze to death.         

2nd woman:   How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What  about you?

2nd woman:   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

The Hitch-hiker

Picked up a hitch-hiker.

Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer? 

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.