Don't make old people mad!

 An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

 He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer” . 

*Remember:* Don't make old people mad.  We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers

Stroke has a new indicator!

STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters..... 

S. T. R.    

STROKE IDENTIFICATION: 

During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) ...she said  she had just tripped over a brick  because of her new shoes. 

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. 

Jane's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 PM Jane passed away) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. 

It only takes a minute to read this. 

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough. 

RECOGNIZING A STROKE 

Thank God for the sense to remember the '3' steps, STR. Read and learn! 

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. 

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:   

S *    Ask the individual to SMILE.    

T *    Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A    SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)

(e.g. Chicken Soup)   

R *    Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS. 

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number    immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. 

New Sign of a Stroke   -------- 

Stick out Your Tongue! 

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue. If the tongue is  'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke. 

A cardiologist says if everyone who reads this forwards it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

I have done my part. Will you?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DAD !!!!!!!!!!!

 Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

 "Like sitting around drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She says she is "only thinking of me," and suggested, I go down to the Senior Centre and hang around with some of the lads there.

So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You're 73 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled,

"Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.....

Wonderful Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning:
“Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: ‘
“Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side.

This man owned and drove the same car for 82 years.

Can you imagine even having the same car for 82 years?

Mr. Allen Swift ( Springfield , Massachusetts ) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Piccadilly-P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928.

He drove it up until his death in 2010....At the age of 102.

He was the oldest living owner of a car that was purchased new.

Just thought you'd like to see it!                                                                                             

Rolls Royce Phantom 1 - 1928

It was donated to a Springfield museum after his death.

It has 1,070,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition.

82 years - That's approximately 13,048 miles per year (1087 per month).

1,070,000 that's miles not kilometres.

That's British engineering of a bygone era.
I don't think they even make them like this anymore..

DILLBERRY SIGHTINGS AND DILL DETECTIONS:

 You can’t make this stuff up! 

We went through to the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the attendant a $5 note.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'

The attendant then gave me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at McDonald's.

 DILLBERRY: 

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a half a horsepower.

He shook his head and said,  'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'Nooo, it's not.  Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since.  This happened in Ipswich, Queensland.

 DILLBERRY:

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. 

The reason:  'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing  anymore.' 

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

 DILLBERRY:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,  'Has  anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge?' 

To  which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This  happened in Elizabeth S.A.

DILLBERRY: 

The  pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of  mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it lets blind people know when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

She  is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.

DILL: 

When  my husband and I arrived at the garage to pick up our car after a  service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. 

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, 'it’s open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'


STAY ALERT!    They walk among us... and breed!