Don't mess with your elders.

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

Easy rider

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to Heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and said, 'Oh, so you're the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle.'

Arthur said, 'Yep, that's me.'

God said, 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was somewhat embarrassed, but managed to reply, 'Excuse me, Lord but aren't You the inventor of Woman?'

God said, 'Yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, You have some major design flaws in Your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. The directional controls leave a lot to be desired

4. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

5. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

6. And the maintenance costs are enormous.'


'Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,' replied God, 'It may be true that My invention is flawed, but according to My calculations, more men are riding My invention than yours.'

Job Interview 'Killer Question'

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a
bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.

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This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)had no trouble coming up with an answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?




He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out
of her misery, shag the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive
off with the old friend for some beer.

The Guide for all Men

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain.

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend..

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore..

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

SAD NEWS...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.