A list of what advertising terms on products really means:
NEW - different colour from previous design
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE - product imported
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job - nobody knew it was coming
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with the distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work
BREAKTHROUGH - we finally figured out a use for it
FAT FREE - You pay for the food - the fat is free
LESS FATTENING - doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
How to be Be Politicaly Correct!
A guide to help you speak about the opposite sex in a POLITICALLY CORRECT way...
How to speak about women and be politically correct.
She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She is not DUMB; she is a DETAOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPARED
She does not GET DRUNK; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALY ENHANCED
She does not NAG; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER
How to speak about men and be politically correct.
He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING; he is in FOLICAL REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER, he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST
He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT
He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT
He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION
He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED
He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA
He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE
He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS
How to speak about women and be politically correct.
She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She is not DUMB; she is a DETAOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPARED
She does not GET DRUNK; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALY ENHANCED
She does not NAG; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER
How to speak about men and be politically correct.
He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING; he is in FOLICAL REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER, he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST
He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT
He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT
He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION
He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED
He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA
He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE
He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Why? - answers please!
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick in the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick in the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway
Monday, September 05, 2005
TO MY DEAR WIFE
My firstpost for a while - have been moving house - is another sent to me by my beloved wife from her office (I think she does some work sometimes!)
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING....... ==========================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING....... ==========================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
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