Remember this next time you book a hotel room

A woman checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."


She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted skills.


In the photo he had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed on, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, and whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now, how does that sound?"









He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Seniors

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.


"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.


"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."


"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.


"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"


"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.


"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.


"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.


"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.


The others nodded in agreement.


"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - -.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.


'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'


'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'


So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'


The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'


The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

And God said.................

God Said, Adam I  want you to do something for me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him.

Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?' 

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'


After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a Woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....'!

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, '! What is it now?'

And Adam said

*

*
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!

*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've  that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

The Preacher

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." 

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in, with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til next week."

Irish mother's letter to son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an
uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.
  
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

My Photos

I was going to use this blog to display some of the photos that I had taken, but have instead, decided to start a web site to display them.

So if by any chance you are interested in photography in general, or in seeing my photos in particular, please visit my new site, TonysPhotos.eu

This is my kind of doctor!

NEW PRIMARY CARE PHYSICIAN

Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION:Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,  but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
   
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of  days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)


  

She said, 'I'm going home, too. "I can't work in the dark".

Paddy McCoy

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

 On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.







    1.  How do you put a giraffe into a  refrigerator?












Stop  and think about it and decide on your answer  before you scroll  down.











 

The  correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in  the giraffe, and close the door. This question  tests whether you tend to do simple things in an  overly complicated  way.









2  How do you put an elephant into a  refrigerator?














 

Did  you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the  elephant, and close the  refrigerator?

Wrong  Answer.

Correct Answer: Open  the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in  the elephant and close the door. This tests your  ability to think through the repercussions of  your previous  actions..












3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend  .... Except one.   Which animal does not  attend?













Correct  Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator. You just put him in there.   This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you  did not answer the first three questions  correctly, you still have one more chance to  show your true  abilities.







4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used  by crocodiles, and you  do not have a boat. How do you manage  it?











 
Correct  Answer:? You jump into the river and swim  across. Have you not been listening? All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your  mistakes.




According to       Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%  of the Professionals  they tested got all questions wrong, but many  preschoolers got several correct answers.    Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do  not have the brains of a  four-year-old.

Old Dog!!

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

A very poor joke !!

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. 

A spokesman for the channel said, “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

The Blonde and the Preacher

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." 

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke; "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared

The New Zoo Keeper

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees..
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage...
Because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"

Bill Clinton's urinal

Before the  2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a  get acquainted  tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced  tea, he asked President  Bill Clinton if he could use his personal  bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he  was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold  urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the  urinal.

'Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I could have a gold  urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something so  self-indulgent! '

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her  tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been  at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the  President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and  Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:


'I found out who pissed in your saxophone'

Magic Moments

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own  thoughts.....


Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin,  I'd have been gentler.'





Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

Media approach to the news !

A bloke on a Triumph Bonneville is riding  past Bristol Zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The man jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with his motorcycle helmet. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man and returns her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the man says, 'That was the most unselfish and bravest thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life.' The man replies, 'Well, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little girl in danger and simply acted on instinct, it’s what anyone would do' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for The Daily Mail you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The man replies, ‘I was in the army for 30 years and was proud to serve my country, and now I’m retired I do charitable work with disabled children, and as it happens I vote Conservative’. The journalist leaves. The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: “RACIST ARMY THUG ATTACKS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,  'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Irish Petrol Station

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
 

Paddy replied, 'Not at all, Mick. Sure it's not rigged at all. My Wife won it twice last week".