The neighbours called the police to tell them that the mother always leaves the baby alone in the house and the poor baby cries all day.

The police came and broke down the door.

This was what they saw:- 

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.

She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There :    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. 
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. 
He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 

The Hotel:          This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. 
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. 
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. 
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. 
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 

The Restaurant:  Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. 
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 

Your Room:         Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. 
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!  
You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used  only by pederasts. 

Bed:                    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. 
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. 
She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. 
If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 

Above All:             When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. 
You will struggle to forget it.

 Description:           Be Happy

What it's like to be British!!

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

Oh no ! Not another lawyer joke.

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. 

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, 
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. 

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' 

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.' 

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? 

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again… 

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' 

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. 

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.      Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound
of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I    just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a
hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would
you like to play?'

Stevie replies, 'Just pick a night.'

BRITISH HUMOUR

In hindsight I should have posted my Face book status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother (not all bad then?)

 

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

 

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

 

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about

 

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

 

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"

 

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"

"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"

"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"

 

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

 

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Top nine Olympic comments

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator...: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Ahhh for the old ones of which I have 2 favorites from many, many.

“The batsman’s Holding, the bowler’s Willy” . . . cricket of course

&

“For those with black and white TV, the pink ball is the one behind the green” . . . snooker (for American friends, think pool.