Lie Clock

A man died and went to Heaven.

  As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him.  He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone who has
ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands
on your clock move."

  "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

    "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have
never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

    "Incredible",  said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

    St. Peter responded,  "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.  The
hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in
his entire life."

    "Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.

    St. Peter replied,  "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

Some more vagaries of the ENGLISH language.

Six great confusions still unresolved 

1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours? 

2. In the word scent, is "S" silent or "C"? 

3. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around? 

4. Why is there a 'D' in 'fridge', but not in 'refrigerator'? 

5. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

And now sixer ....

6. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be...congress?

More vagaries of English Language! 

- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

-Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

- How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

- If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches? 

- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

- How does one get off a 'non-stop' flight?

- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

- Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients? 

- Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

- How come Noses run and Feet smell? 

- Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

Angle, angle, angle

*Teaching kids to milk cows in Elementary Education in Wisconsin, America's Dairyland*

 It is always said, "location, location, location"...for this picture it is "angle, angle, angle"!

I'LL BET THAT WHEN THE TEACHER SAW THE PICTURE, SHE FAINTED.,

It's all about camera angle, and I bet whoever took this picture was laughing as he/she pushed the button....

When Insults Had Class...

These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.   

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 "He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)   

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

 "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx