A small assortment

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Senate, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.



The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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A dog lover, whose bitch came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her dog separated.  But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.

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I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing now.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel, under a constrained environment".

I was impressed......

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water .....under his wife's supervision!

Anagrams

Being a bit of a mathematician I particularly loved the last one!     Someone out there Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.. PRESBYTERIAN : BEST IN PRAYER  ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER  DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT  THE EYES:  THEY SEE  GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE  THE MORSE CODE : HERE COME DOTS  DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM  SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME  ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY  ELECTION RESULTS:  LIES - LET'S RECOUNT  SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S  A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE   THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE  MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER  AND FINALLY ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.  As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.  

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, 

"Honey, would you have sex with me?”

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!”

"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her 

“No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?” 

"Oh come on!  There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!” 

“No way. It’s just too risky!” 

“Oh please, please I love you so much!” 

“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!” 

“Oh yes you can. Please?” 

“No, no. I just can’t!” 

“I’m begging you . . . “ 

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

50 Sheds Today

Mens’ Shed.

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it.

Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house. The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.

Here are their experiences:     

Bill Carruthers, 74.  We tried  various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------

Nick Enwright, 86.  She stood before me, trembling in my shed “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”  So I took her to B and Q. 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------------

Ted Roberts, 79.  She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------------

Tom Entwhistle, 73.  Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------

Jack Farthing, 78.  “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

------------------------------ ----------------------------

John Hardcastle, 72.  “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------

Colin Horrocks, 65.  “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------

Malcolm Riddock, 75.  I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------

Allen Cardly, 74.   “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ 

Humphrey Landsdowne, 56.  Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---

Nicholas Benchley, 53.   “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture for sale on eBay.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------

Toby Williams, 60.  “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.   

Aaahhh! The good old days!!!!

The longest password ever!

We laugh but her ID is safe.

During a recent password audit by a company, it was

found that an employee was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When asked why she has such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:

“Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!”

EU Brexit bill explained...

David Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier, the membership secretary, sees him. 


"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".

"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..

"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"

In Mr Barniers office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club? "Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".

"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". "As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".

"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!

"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. "There is also your bar bill".

"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked".. "You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year" "You therefore owe us £2600 for the year"..

"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.

"Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers". "Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".

"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis.

"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"

"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".

"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"

"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week", your share of the bill is £2000".

"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".

"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension". "We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it". "This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier

"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"

"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.“

P**s off!" says Mr Davis


Now we understand what Brexit is all about.


PS. Actually much of it is to do with France needing to maintain its life style, but with an economy unable to provide!

Prez Robert Mugabe's brilliant & rocking quotes

1) "When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend."

2) "If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-ray machines to see inner beauty"

3) "When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious."

4) "Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow"

5) "Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real"

6) "If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first."

7) "What is the problem with deporting white men from Africa? We now have aeroplanes which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors."

8) "Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.

9) Interviewer: "Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?"
Robert Mugabe: "Where are they going?"

10) "if I am given chance to travel through time, I will go back to 1946 and find Donald Trump's father and give him a condom"

German vs. Italian Technology

Leviticus

MARIJUANA and MARRIAGE in Washington State

On a single day, Washington State recently passed two laws.

 

They:

1. Legalized gay marriage, and

2. Legalized marijuana.

 

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana on the same day now makes perfect Biblical sense:

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

 

Apparently, we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Scientists in Geneva have announced new discovery

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science.

AND yes ... it was discovered in Australia, which is now the leading producer.

The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years.

It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected. Winston Churchill loved them. Here are some examples: ​  1.   Where there's a will, I want to be in it.  2.   Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.  3.   If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 4.   War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 5    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.  6.   They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 7.   To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism.  To steal from many is called research. 8.   In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency', notify:  I put 'DOCTOR.' 9.    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 10.   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,         and still think they look sexy.  11.   Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.  12.   A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.  13.   I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.  14.   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it  15.   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.  16.   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.  17.   Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.   And my personal favorite: I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

A LITTLE FLAB !!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...

'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.' 

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .
  
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts 
and said....

'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'

This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his DANGLER.

With a Death grip in place, She said...

''You know, if you  firmed this up, we could get rid of :-

The Gardener, The Postman, The Pool man and Your Brother!"