Marital longevity

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.  Now .. I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV; but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.  It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”  

My wife being a very reasonable woman…  told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.  

Aren’t older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

For Whom The Bell Tolls ..........

Fred was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.  The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible 

The Parrot

During a lull between the speeches at a White House ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know Rex, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot !"

Marriages are made in Heaven

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. 

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

IRISH JOB INTERVIEW (The Best Yet)

Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Mick, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the
question you got wrong."

Mick, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down,
‘Neither do I.’

Never lie to a rabbi

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favour. I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in the temple for an hour after services for me?"

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. The wise rabbi eventually became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi, "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The rabbi smiled, and putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said: "Irving I think you'd better hurry home—my wife died two years ago!"

The Origins of some of our strange customs..

*1. WHY:*

Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right, while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?

*BECAUSE:*

When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. As wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

*2. WHY:*

Why do ships and aircraft use ‘Mayday!’ as their call for help?

*BECAUSE:*

This comes from the French word _m’aidez_ – meaning, ‘help me’ – and is pronounced, approximately, ‘Mayday.’

*3. WHY:*

Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?

*BECAUSE:*

In France, where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘the egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (naturally), mispronounced it ‘love’ And then the word stuck on.

*4. WHY:*

Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?

*BECAUSE:*

In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

*5. WHY:*

Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?

*BECAUSE:*

In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.

*6. WHY:*

Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

*BECAUSE:*

In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.

*7. WHY:*

Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?

*BECAUSE:*

Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the centre of attention.

*8. WHY:*

Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?

*BECAUSE:*

Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, then that person is floating well above worldly cares.

*9. WHY:*

In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?

*BECAUSE:*

When Mary, Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl; Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice  home with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into caddie.

*10. WHY:*

Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?

*BECAUSE:*

Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Now that you do know of the origins of some of the strange customs, please forward for the knowledge of your friends...

The Chauffeur

A young man with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Centrelink office to put in his form.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."