Accountants

What's the definition of an accountant?

- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

- Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's an auditor?

- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

- Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.



An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

3-minute management course.

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that
towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did
he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of
you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!
She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

Hangover Rating Chart

* 1 star hangover
---------------------
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you
woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from
all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the
Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.


** 2 star hangover
----------------------
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your
employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light
filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


*** 3 star hangover
------------------------
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and
not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a
litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a
litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.


**** 4 star hangover
-------------------------
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact
that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot
shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big
vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade
class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a
cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go
back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


***** 5 star hangover
---------------------------
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing
your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you
and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so
pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you
can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.


****** 6 star hangover
---------------------------
You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the
taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying
relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full
sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off
all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously
explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus
mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the
world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it
is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into
abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back
to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and
swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last
occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day
as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get
into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them
driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick
again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three
hours at least you might even succeed.

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Thought so!!

Another Irish Joke

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leaves the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Conner Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE:-

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi Paddy, watch dis" Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm
never trying dat parrotshotting either!". Always

ITS NOT OVER YET (even though you wish it was)


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Innocent Eyes!

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment.........then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well,
we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden."

The Spell Checker

A poem for those of you who rely on their Spell Checker:-

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.