Letters to Viz

Some letters sent to Viz magazine refring to recent UK news items.

"See you next week..." sang the Double Deckers at the end of episode 17 of the popular children's TV show, aired on 30th April 1971. Thirty-six years later we are still waiting. First the Blue Peter debacle, now this. Are there no lengths to which the BBC will not go to mislead its younger viewers?
Albert Picture, Aberdeen

I am in the process of buying a car and have narrowed my choice down to two. But I don't know whether to buy the one that floats away on balloons or the one that's made of cake. I think I prefer the one made of cake, but I'd like the security of knowing that the ad had won an award before making such a big commitment.
Brian Fester

I can't help thinking that if baggage handlers at Glasgow Airport spent less time punching burning terrorists and more time putting suitcases onto the f&cking carousel, I might not have waited an hour and a half for my bag after I got got off the plane from Toronto last week.
Chuck Jism, Newcastle

I've just seen the flooded state of Gloucester on the telly. I've been boycotting the place for years for just this reason. All the smart-arses who mocked me and made up stupid rhymes about me are laughing on the other side of their faces now. Sail on, tossers.
Dr Foster, Cheltenham

I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture.
Peter Roeth

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Dog Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise .
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

Grammar is Important

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

Harry then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!'

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife, showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

Two brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?





Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . .

. . . .

. .


"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"




Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan.


Life's too short not to enjoy...


even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b*tch.....