Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Friday, March 05, 2010
Thursday, March 04, 2010
New Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Purchasing vs. Leasing
Find below the definitive paper on the never ending debate of Purchasing versus Leasing
Purchasing
The math’s on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had relations every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is Heather:
Leasing
On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's escort, Kristen, an absolute stunner charges $4,000 per night.
This is Kirsten:
Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million in total, for relations every night for 5 years: (a $41.7 million savings).
Value-added benefits are:
* a 22 year old
* no coaxing
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all requests
* no complaining
* a 22 year old
* has two legs
Best of all, she leaves and comes back when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.
Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
Purchasing
The math’s on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had relations every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is Heather:
Leasing
On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's escort, Kristen, an absolute stunner charges $4,000 per night.
This is Kirsten:
Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million in total, for relations every night for 5 years: (a $41.7 million savings).
Value-added benefits are:
* a 22 year old
* no coaxing
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all requests
* no complaining
* a 22 year old
* has two legs
Best of all, she leaves and comes back when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.
Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
The Office Manager and the Shredder
A young accountant was leaving the office at 4.45 p.m. when he found the Office Manager standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," he said, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young man. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Manager as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
"Listen," he said, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young man. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Manager as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
From Wales!!
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk heard they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They bought the cow from Wales, and it was wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They decided to buy a bull to mate with their cow, to get more cows, so would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away, and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go a Vet, who had a reputation for being very wise.
They told him their story; "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she will walk away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and asked;
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we bought the cow from Wales ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is also from Wales "
The town folk heard they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They bought the cow from Wales, and it was wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They decided to buy a bull to mate with their cow, to get more cows, so would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away, and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go a Vet, who had a reputation for being very wise.
They told him their story; "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she will walk away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and asked;
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we bought the cow from Wales ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is also from Wales "
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