Bloody typical

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. 

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.' 

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' 

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket' 

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up? 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma'am?'                                

I love this part... : 





'Only when he's pissed.' 

50 Shades of Grey !!

The missus bought a Paperback down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag, Twas ‘Fifty Shades of Grey".. 

Well I just left her to it, and at ten I went to bed, an hour later she appeared, the sight filled me with dread….. 

In her left she held a rope and in her right a whip! she threw them down upon the floor, and then began to strip. 

Well fifty years or so ago I might have had a peek, but Mabel hasnt weathered well shes eighty four next week!! 

Watching Mabel bump and grind could not have been much grimmer and things then went from bad to worse she toppled off her Zimmer! 

She struggled back upon her feet a couple minutes later, she put her teeth back in and said “I am a dominater “! 

Now if you knew our Mabel youd see just why I spluttered, Id spent two months in traction for the last complaint Id uttered. 

She stood there nude and naked bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! 

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out my god what had I done! she moaned and groaned then shouted out "step on the other one"!! 

Well readers, I cant tell no more about what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, turned fifty shades of grey.

Lawyers

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ. 

___________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 

_________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Take a guess. 

____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.. 

_________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral. 

_________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 

____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 

Understanding Art

At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. 

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.

”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." 

The Philosophy Professor

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Actual Australian Court Docket

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  

The man seemed more amused.  

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. 
  

The case came up in court. 


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.  

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. 

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

  But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.' 


'CASE DISMISSED!!'