Woody Allen Quotes

Many of Woody Allen’s quotes are regarding sex or death - here are a few of my favourites:-

• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
• It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
• Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
• A ”Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  
• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  
• Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
• Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
• Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
• Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

And finally, a quote that refers to sex and death:-

• The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  

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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

A few bar jokes

Not time to go down the pub yet, so instead here a are couple of my favourite bar jokes:-

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

########

A Woman Walked Into A Bar...

A woman walked into a bar and asks the good-looking barman if she could have a double entendre...........so he gave her one.

########

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar....

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, the barman shouts:
"What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?"

Don't take your husband shopping!

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was (allegedly) recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

Chickens

A priest in a small Irish village loved the chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in the church. (You know what's coming, don't you!!)

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has anybody
seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

No Hiding Place

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. Anyone who has dealt with a deceased’s estate will agree with this.

A lady died this past January in Canada and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit ard, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member:
“I am calling to tell you she died in January.”

Citibank:
“The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member:
“Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”

Citibank:
“Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member :
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

Citibank:
“Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau , maybe both!”

Family Member:
“Do you think God will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank:
“Excuse me?”

Family Member:
“Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?”

Citibank:
“Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” (Duh!)

**Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
“I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”

Citibank:
“The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member:
“You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

Citibank:
(Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”

Family Member:
“No, I’m her great nephew.” (He then gives details of Lawyer)

Citibank:
“Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member:
“Sure.”
(Fax number is given)

**After they get the fax:

Citibank:
“Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”

Family Member:
“Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”

Citibank:
“Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.” (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member:
“Would you like her new billing address?”

Citibank:
“That might help.”

Family Member:
” Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”

Citibank:
“Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Family Member:
“What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Handy Hints - a few oldies but some newies too - Enjoy :-

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don’t waste money on expensive binoculars. Just stand next to the Object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you’ll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a Chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, quorn, meat substitute etc ‘tastes exactly like the real thing’, they won’t know the difference anyway.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Avoid bickering and arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy ‘Next customer Please’ sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat Hanger in an emergency.

Housewives.The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and one in your coat pocket.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply Cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.