A few One Liners

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE 
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE 

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: 

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS. 

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY. 

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH... 

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!

New Website - Football Betting

I have spent the last few weeks setting up a new website - Football Betting, with the aim of bringing you the latest football betting news and football stories from around the UK and Europe.

We will not only bring you news of the best offers being provided by the bookmakers, but will couple that with all the latest transfer and team news, rumours and gossip, and anything that we come across that will help make your betting experience more informed.

On the site, you will find links to the major UK Leagues, the FA and Capital One Cups, as well as the UEFA Champions League and Europa Cup. On each page there is information regarding the competition, the teams involved and the latest betting news.

We have Bookmaker Reviews to give details of leading online bookmakers, while we also details of the Fee Bets available to you together with the current Special Offers around.


We also publish a daily paper, Football Betting News to bring you the latest stories from around the web.

Tonys Photos Updated

I have just finished giving my web site a full make over. 

If you click through to Tonys Photos, you can see a new home page, a much improved shop, with separate departments for prints, greeting cards, iphone cases and photographic books and equipment.

There are also new pages giving the latest photography news from around the web and links to informative articles and tips.

So if you wish to view examples of my photography, buy prints in a range of formats, treat yourself to an original, personalised phone case, buy a new camera or lens, or a book about photography, we have it all for you on TonysPhotos!

Australias New Health Care Proposals

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister Julia Gillard's new health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the
Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra

Bloody typical

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. 

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.' 

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' 

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket' 

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up? 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma'am?'                                

I love this part... : 





'Only when he's pissed.' 

50 Shades of Grey !!

The missus bought a Paperback down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag, Twas ‘Fifty Shades of Grey".. 

Well I just left her to it, and at ten I went to bed, an hour later she appeared, the sight filled me with dread….. 

In her left she held a rope and in her right a whip! she threw them down upon the floor, and then began to strip. 

Well fifty years or so ago I might have had a peek, but Mabel hasnt weathered well shes eighty four next week!! 

Watching Mabel bump and grind could not have been much grimmer and things then went from bad to worse she toppled off her Zimmer! 

She struggled back upon her feet a couple minutes later, she put her teeth back in and said “I am a dominater “! 

Now if you knew our Mabel youd see just why I spluttered, Id spent two months in traction for the last complaint Id uttered. 

She stood there nude and naked bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! 

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out my god what had I done! she moaned and groaned then shouted out "step on the other one"!! 

Well readers, I cant tell no more about what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, turned fifty shades of grey.

Lawyers

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ. 

___________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 

_________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Take a guess. 

____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.. 

_________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral. 

_________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 

____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 

Understanding Art

At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. 

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.

”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."