Truer Words Were Never Spoken

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

 

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

 

Politicians are the same all over: they promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

John Quinton, American actor/writer

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

 

I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".

Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

Charles de Gaulle, French general & president

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

Doug Larson, English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games

 

What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown? That is solution !!

 

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.

John Adams (1735 - 1826)

 

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself.

Mark Twain (1835- 1910)

 

I don't make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!

Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

 

I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

 

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul !

Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

 

The problem we face today is that the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)

 

I don't like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!

THE GIGGLE AUSTRALIA

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."  😂🤣

Quotes to Remember

 If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, , ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas ..

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."

-- Dan Quayle

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Quotes from the Past Century

   

~ Jean Kerr...   

The only reason they say "   Women and children first"   is to test the strength of the lifeboats.  

  

~ Prince Philip...   

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.  

  

~ Emo Philips...   

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.  

  

~ Harrison Ford...   

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.  

   

~ Spike Milligan...   

The best cure for  sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

  

~ Jean Rostand...   

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

  

~  Arnold Schwarzenegger...   

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars ,  but I was just as happy when I had 48 million.

  

~ WH Auden...   

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.  

  

~ Jonathan Katz...   

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

  

~ Johnny Carson...   

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

  

~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).   

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

  

~ Steve Martin...   

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.  

  

~ Jimmy Durante...   

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

  

~ George Roberts...   

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

  

~ Jonathan Winters...   

If God had intended us to fly ,  he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

  

~ Robert Benchley...  

I have kleptomania and when it gets bad, I take something for it.  

  

~ John Glenn...  

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind   :  every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.  

  

~ David Letterman...   

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.  

  

~ Howard Hughes...   

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.  

   

~ Old Italian proverb...   

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.