Food for Thought!! The Wedding Night!

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a friendly little father-son chat.

 

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something important. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

 

"I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  Ever since that night we never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his first honeymoon night, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants.

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.

And they lived happily ever after.

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.         

2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?         

1st woman:    I froze to death.         

2nd woman:   How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What  about you?

2nd woman:   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

The Hitch-hiker

Picked up a hitch-hiker.

Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer? 

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.       

Daily Chuckles

 

   

Letter to USA as a response to the Brexit negotiations

To all the citizens of the United States of America - from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA (the current one being a shining example) and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II ,will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealth and territories, except Kansas which she does not fancy. (ps  Originally Oregon which she has now forgiven).

The current Prime Minister, here in England, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed!

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

Also, do please note that the last letter in the alphabet is (pronounced)   as "ZED" , and not ZEE.

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English!  The English Language was derived from LATIN - yours have no origin. Only bits and pieces collected from 'grunts', 'coughs', 'sneezing' and Farting.   We will let Microsoft know.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of  '-ize.!

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. It will henceforth be known as "Yankee Fool's Day"

4. You will learn to resolve personal differences without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists, shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.(p.s "Grouse-the bird, not a quarrel!)

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour!

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol ,(which you have been calling  "Gas" or "Gasoline" ) of roughly $10/US gallon. Our cars run on Petrol, NOT Gas! Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with 'ketchup' but with salt & vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer, is not actually beer at all!  Henceforth, only proper British Beers will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them!  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in" Four Weddings and a Funeral " was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater!.

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest and a grope, every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of 'poofters').

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the  "World series" that does not include the real world, the world has more countries than USA.  You will learn the gentleman's game of Cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (currently trying to stop cheating) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.  Please note, the exclamation "NO BALL" -is nothing personal! Neither is "short leg","fine leg" and "good shot"!

13. You must tell us why you began to call  members of the medical profession  "DUCK -TERR's".   Your countrymen call Anaesthetists ,"Anaesthesiologists" ! Another lengthy 'smokescreen to hide their mistakes?!! These of course they tend to bury.

14.  Finally, your entire nation needs to educate yourselves on "HUMILITY", not to run 'roughshod' over others and/or their respective countries. Poverty is an 'accident' of fate, "Hillbilly music is not! "

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government, will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all taxes and monies due (backdated to 1776).

16.  The Daily 'Tea Time' begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers and never mugs, with cucumber sandwiches, high quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Confessions

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say a few words of his own while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and started his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Golfing Accident

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!” “Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?”

“The good news is...I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and so I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

“Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

"That's wonderful," said the surgeon. “Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”

“That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success. Are you having any side effects?”

"Well, just two", said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection I get a headache.”

Entertainment Night

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance."Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain."I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see."It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" yelled Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Centre and

Claude was never invited back there again!!

Choosing a wife!

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

===================================
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

NHS 70 years on!

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree; I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news; I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. No-one tells you a f**king thing in here!

The Surrogate Father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,  'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'   

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !. 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.. You can really spread out there.' 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'  

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.. 

'Ma'am,in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.  

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.. 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh..equipment?' 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting. 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.' 

Mrs   Smith   fainted.

A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A man is alone in an airport lounge.  A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says

"Ryanair".

SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL.

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH? '

Cancel your credit cards before you die

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. Anyone who has dealt with a deceased’s estate will agree with this.

A lady died this past January in Canada and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit ard, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member:
“I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
Citibank:
“The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member:
“Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
Citibank:
“Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member :
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Citibank:
“Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau , maybe both!”
Family Member:
“Do you think God will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank:
“Excuse me?”
Family Member:
“Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?”
Citibank:
“Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” (Duh!)
**Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
“I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”
Citibank:
“The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member:
“You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
Citibank:
(Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member:
“No, I’m her great nephew.” (He then gives details of Lawyer)
Citibank:
“Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member:
“Sure.”
(Fax number is given)
**After they get the fax:
Citibank:
“Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member:
“Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”
Citibank:
“Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.” (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member:
“Would you like her new billing address?”
Citibank:
“That might help.”
Family Member:
” Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
Citibank:
“Sir, that’s a cemetery!”
Family Member:
“What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Some eminent thoughts on sex

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful"
Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom"
Joan Rivers


"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin


"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips


"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

AMBIGUITY & IDIOSYNCRASIES

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ, AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

Pensioner's T Shirt!

The love dress.

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

True Stories

"True Stories" taken from the pages of our press:- 

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo) 

Marriage Lessons!

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord,if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'

Lessons for Management

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management Lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

===========================================

Non-political Signs.

Non-political Signs.

Virus-free. www.avast.com