Church Bulletins!

They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters (now  keyboards). These announcements actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:   _______________________ The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus'. -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ------------------------ Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. --------------------------  Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --------------------------                                                           Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.’

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 26

To help pass the time in these strange days, I have started to bake. I baked a small loaf at the end of last week, which was eaten very quickly, so today I baked another loaf and tried my hand at Focaccia.

They have both turned out surprisingly well as I hope you can see from the photo below.

Home baked bread and Focaccia.

I followed a recipe from Gennaro Contaldo which is shown on the BBC Food website.

How long my attempts at cooking and baking last, we shall have to see but I certainly aim to carry on with it for a short while and may try my hand at cakes later in the week.

I will finish with  a plea for you to comment on this post. I am sitting here wondering if I am wasting my time doing this or if anyone is actually reading it! Even if its only a thumbs up (or down) it would be immensely appreciated.

Many thanks. 

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 24

A week after receiving my letter from the NHS telling me that I was a vulnerable person and should be shielded and get preference for deliveries I am still waiting for the supermarkets to accept that. Fortunately I have many friends willing and happy to shop for me.

Anyway, enough negativity, lets get a few cartoons to hopefully brighten your day!

Finally, if you are actually reading this, do me a favour and leave a comment of some sort so that I know that I am not going mad and am talking to myself. Please is there anyone out there or am I all alone?

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

 

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas.

 

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

 

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 

7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

 

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat miner.

 

10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

 

11. The guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.

 

13. You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.

 

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

 

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

 

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

 

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

19. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

 

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

 

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

 

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine

 

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought ? She'd dye.

 

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

 

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

Washington Post winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest

Neologism is a newly coined word or expression - the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

-Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

-Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

-Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

-Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

-Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

- Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

- Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

- Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 19

Coronavirus recovery! I posted on Friday that a good friend had been taken to hospital with coronavirus. I am glad to report that he has now been sent home, feeling much better. The only symptoms he now has is that he has gone off the taste of alcohol, whether it is beer or whiskey and his appetite is not too good.

I am still waiting for the Government to notify the supermarkets that I am on the most vulnerable list so I can get home delivery. But to be fair we are in the middle of the Easter holiday period and they do have rather a large number to send out. In the meantime we have some very good friends who will do shopping for us if necessary, so we will not starve.

I will finish for now with the following notice that I saw today:-

The Just for Fun Dementia Quiz

Now for a little test to see just how well you're coping with self isolation!

FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
 
ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG!

IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?

 
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU!

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.
 
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30, ADD ANOTHER 1000, NOW ADD 20 NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000, NOW ADD 10 WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE  CORRECT ANSWER IS  ACTUALLY 4100

DONT  BELIEVE IT- CHECK ON A CALCULATOR 

TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS
1 NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ???
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY!  READ THE QUESTION AGAIN! 

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,  I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.  BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE  SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 18

Heard today that a good friend had been taken into hospital with coronavirus.

His wife told us while he was freezing cold this morning, she said he felt very hot. He’s been sleeping a lot the last couple of days and has not been eating or drinking much, so she phoned for an ambulance. When it arrived they said he had a high temperature, high blood pressure and was dehydrated. He’s now in the hospital on a drip, and it has been confirmed he has COVID 19! 

Our deepest thoughts are with him and his family.

As he is one of my friends responsible for sending me some of the jokes that I have posted, I'm sure he will not mind me sharing these with you! 

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 15

Tuesday evening and must admit I had a little shock this afternoon when I received a text message from the NHS Coronavirus Service stating that I am at high risk of developing serious illness if I catch coronavirus and that I should remain at home for 12 weeks! Also I should keep away from anyone else living in the household. I am living with my partner and we are advised to use separate beds, I should eat on my own, use my own towels, my own bathroom and keep out of the kitchen.

I do have a mild lung condition (uip) but my lung function tests have always been good and my consultant has even increased the time between the tests from 6 months to a year. I had initially wondered if this would be a problem but thought I would have heard well before now, if that was the case.

I am not sure just how far we shall go in maintaining our distance as we have been living normally in Lockdown for over 2 weeks now and have both been adhering to Social Distancing on the odd occasions we go out. 

Looking on the bright side, we should now be able to get home delivery from the major supermarkets who have been concentrating on the most vulnerable customers, of which I am now one, as well as being on the old side - 71 to be precise!

Nevertheless, I shall continue annoying friends and readers alike by posting cartoons/memes that amuse me. Here are three for tonight. I certainly can relate to the first one!

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 14

Had the weekend off from posting - so many other things to do :-) Had our first meeting on Zoom yesterday with children and grandchildren - good to see and hear them. 

Finished the Karchering today so now having a well earned rest! Nothing else has really changed. It was a sunny weekend and there were plenty of idiots ignoring the governments instructions not to go out other than for essential shopping and exercise and to keep social distancing (two meters apart). 

The stupidest and most selfish person in the news over the weekend though, must be Scotland’s chief medical officer, Catherine Calderwood, who has quit after facing intense criticism for breaking her own rules to twice visit her second home during the coronavirus outbreak.

Despite being the voice of the Scottish government’s public information campaign urging people to avoid all non-essential travel, it has been revealed that the Calderwoods and their three children had spent Friday night at their holiday home, taking walks with their dog to a local beach.  Furthermore she and her husband had also visited the previous weekend.

I think the above story leads very nicely into the following:-

Lockdown Humour

A little more humour to brighten a dull Friday evening in England.

And finally, I thought this was the funniest but apologies to anyone who feels it is blasphemous! 

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 11

Now halfway through day 11 on our coronavirus lockdown.

For those of you following these posts regularly (who am I kidding?) you will notice that I didn't post yesterday. That was basically because I just couldn't be arsed!! We didn't do much yesterday apart from a little tidying up in the house.

Today though I have been quite active, by starting to Karcher the rear terrace. For those of you who do not know, Karcher is a brand name for a high pressure cleaner, if you need one you can buy them from Amazon!

Its Friday today and I'm really looking forward to the weekend - oh, hang on, its going to be exactly the same as the week was, except that I shall be having a few Gin and Tonics on Sunday evening with a few Virtual friends. 

A reasonable night on TV to look forward to, particularly one of my favourite programmes "Have I got News For You" 

I will again leave you with a couple - three actually - of memes/cartoons that I have come across today,

Thats it for today, so just stay safe, take care and remember to SELF ISOLATE!!

A week into self isolation

We are a week into self isolation and it’s very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space, with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I’ve thought very hard of how I can cheer her up.

I’ve even considered letting her come in.... but rules are rules.

Stay safe stay well.

And finally just to cheer you up:-

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 9

So here we are again, reporting on all that has happened on our 9th day of lockdown.

The short answer is not much.

This morning we defrosted then re-arranged the chest freezer in the garage - finding stuff we had forgotten was there, throwing away stuff that had obviously been there for years and deciding what we were going to have for dinner ( my partner insists it is supper ) for the next couple of days.

The news continues to be depressing. Wimbledon and the Edinburgh Festival are two more events that have bitten the dust. A woman has been fined £660 for breaching coronavirus restrictions after she refused to tell police who she was and why she was on the platform at a railway station and in the US they are now forecasting deaths to be somewhere between 100,000 and 200,000.

I have also been annoying my friends by continually posting jokes/memes/cartoons/videos on various WhatsAp groups I am a member of! I will end by posting this one for your entertainment?

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After 10 Days in Quarantine.

A couple more funnies to help keep your spirits up!

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