Extracts from Letters

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various local councils and housing associations throughout the UK.

• I want some repairs to my cooker as it has backfired and burned my knob off.
• I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence,
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
• I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children till it is cleared.

Ramblings of a Pheasant Plucker: Extracts from Letters https://t.co/ornpDCK45Z #humour #jokes #funny

— Tony Murtagh (@TonyKRO) September 7, 2016

World of Sport

Quotes from the world of sport.

Some people say football is a matter of life and death, believe me, its much more serious than that. ~ Bill Shankley

I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win. ~ Howard Wilkinson

I wouldn't say God couldn't have got it out, but he'd have had to throw it. ~ Arnold Palmer

The English are not a very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity. ~ George Bernard Shaw

The late start is due to the time. ~ David Coleman

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. ~ Greg Norman

Then my eyesight started going and I took up refereeing. ~ Neil Midgley

In my sport the quick are often listed among the dead. ~ Jackie Stewart

Winning is not everything. Its the only thing! ~ Vince Lombardi

And somewhat surprisingly Cambridge have won the toss. ~ Harry Carpenter

Ramblings of a Pheasant Plucker: World of Sport https://t.co/qtVnanUPWJ #quotes #sport #humor #humour

— Tony Murtagh (@TonyKRO) September 6, 2016

POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms,

a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

 He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

 The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

 Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,

"Can I at least feel your tits then?"

 .....and that, my friend, is A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

What it's like to be British!!

If you are British, how many of the following points can you relate to? If you are not British, this may give you an insight into the British character!

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare” 
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right” 
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best 
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door 
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit 
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand 
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector 
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too” 
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it 
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands 
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck 
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change 
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again 
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested 
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right” 
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon 
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it 
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave 
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible 
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about 
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake 
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot 
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink 
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit 
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it 
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house” 
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever 
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever 
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’ 
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether 
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing 
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again 
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up 
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

A man walks into a bar…

… with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says “Pint please, and one for the road.”


… and sits next to a man with a dog at his feet.
“Does your dog bite?” he asked warily. “No, he doesn’t” A few minutes later the dog has a real go at his leg. “Hey, I thought you said that your dog didn’t bite.” “He doesn’t; that’s not my dog.”


… with a crocodile and asks if the barman serves lawyers. “Certainly,” says the barman. “Good,” says the man. A pint of bitter for me and a lawyer for the croc.

The Farmer

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, ...he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."