Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in the conflict in Iraq"
"OH NO!" the President exclaims, "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at his display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally the President looks up and asks. "How many is a Brazillion?"
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Christmas Knickers
Billy wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. They had not been going out together for very long. So, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would most appropriate; romantic but not too personal.
He then engaged the help of his sweetheart's younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate item; and off they went shopping together. Billy eventually bought a pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same store. However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without thinking to check the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
'I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
Billy'
He then engaged the help of his sweetheart's younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate item; and off they went shopping together. Billy eventually bought a pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same store. However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without thinking to check the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
'I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
Billy'
Thursday, December 08, 2005
A Christmas Tale
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the reguler ones, santa was begining to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he when't to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows were. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. when he went to the cuboard he discoverd that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. he went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the door bell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a big christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isen't it a lovelly day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he when't to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows were. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. when he went to the cuboard he discoverd that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. he went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the door bell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a big christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isen't it a lovelly day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree.
Courtesy of Terry at
Friday, December 02, 2005
A few more one liners
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Staff Christmas Party
READ FROM TOP TO BOTTOM:-----
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £5.00 is too much money and executives believe £5.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*ucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The F*ucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pr*icks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu*cking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £5.00 is too much money and executives believe £5.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*ucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The F*ucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pr*icks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu*cking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Monday, November 21, 2005
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME - OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting
"It's not there!”, You’ve moved it!” or “We’ve run out!” – Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting
"It's not there!”, You’ve moved it!” or “We’ve run out!” – Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Saturday, November 19, 2005
The truth from Google!!!
1- Go to www.google.com
2- Type in "Failure", without the quotes
3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling Lucky"
4- Look at it and laugh at what comes up
5- Tell your friends before the people at Google Fix it
2- Type in "Failure", without the quotes
3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling Lucky"
4- Look at it and laugh at what comes up
5- Tell your friends before the people at Google Fix it
Friday, November 11, 2005
Chinese Sick Leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Advice..........
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Damn women drivers!
This morning on the M25, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford Focus doing 60 mph with her face up to the mirror putting on her mascara. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily, but she really scared me. I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Mars Bar out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Oscar and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!
As a man, I don't scare easily, but she really scared me. I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Mars Bar out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Oscar and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Essential info for blokes!!
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his arse.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his arse.
A Wifes Duty
Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an English girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day the didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an English girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day the didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Employee Training
In order to ensure the highest levels of quality of work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our programme of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel you do receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programmes (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to the Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are ful of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you
Boss In General
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
If you feel you do receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programmes (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to the Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are ful of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you
Boss In General
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
The meaning of ads.
A list of what advertising terms on products really means:
NEW - different colour from previous design
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE - product imported
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job - nobody knew it was coming
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with the distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work
BREAKTHROUGH - we finally figured out a use for it
FAT FREE - You pay for the food - the fat is free
LESS FATTENING - doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining
NEW - different colour from previous design
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE - product imported
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job - nobody knew it was coming
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with the distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work
BREAKTHROUGH - we finally figured out a use for it
FAT FREE - You pay for the food - the fat is free
LESS FATTENING - doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining
Monday, September 26, 2005
How to be Be Politicaly Correct!
A guide to help you speak about the opposite sex in a POLITICALLY CORRECT way...
How to speak about women and be politically correct.
She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She is not DUMB; she is a DETAOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPARED
She does not GET DRUNK; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALY ENHANCED
She does not NAG; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER
How to speak about men and be politically correct.
He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING; he is in FOLICAL REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER, he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST
He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT
He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT
He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION
He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED
He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA
He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE
He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS
How to speak about women and be politically correct.
She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She is not DUMB; she is a DETAOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPARED
She does not GET DRUNK; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALY ENHANCED
She does not NAG; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER
How to speak about men and be politically correct.
He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING; he is in FOLICAL REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER, he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST
He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT
He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT
He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION
He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED
He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA
He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE
He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Why? - answers please!
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick in the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick in the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway
Monday, September 05, 2005
TO MY DEAR WIFE
My firstpost for a while - have been moving house - is another sent to me by my beloved wife from her office (I think she does some work sometimes!)
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING....... ==========================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING....... ==========================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Marriage
As you may have noticed, several of the recent posts have been sent to me by my wife from her ofice - here is another one!!!
Marriage (Part 1)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff at Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't waked him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"
(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)
**********************************************
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Marriage (Part 1)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff at Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't waked him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"
(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)
**********************************************
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Barbecuing
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put in motion. (This is sent with tongue in cheek!)
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensilsand sauces and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bringanother beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and upon seeing her reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman!
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensilsand sauces and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bringanother beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and upon seeing her reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman!
Friday, July 01, 2005
The Story of Onestone
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was Onestone.
So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years oftorment, Onestone finally cracked and said, If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them! The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, morning Onestone.
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, Good to see you, Onestone.
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die...
What is the moral of this story? ...
OH, come on . take a guess!
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is ... You can't kill two birds with onestone!
So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years oftorment, Onestone finally cracked and said, If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them! The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, morning Onestone.
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, Good to see you, Onestone.
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die...
What is the moral of this story? ...
OH, come on . take a guess!
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is ... You can't kill two birds with onestone!
Women's Humour
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a BIG F*CKING RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
~~~~~~~~
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
~~~~~~~~
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour.
~~~~~~~~
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.
~~~~~~~~
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'
She said 'that's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
~~~~~~~~
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'
She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat ba*tard'.
~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~
Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head? A: Reload and try again
~~~~~~~~
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
~~~~~~~~
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour.
~~~~~~~~
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.
~~~~~~~~
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'
She said 'that's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
~~~~~~~~
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'
She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat ba*tard'.
~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~
Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head? A: Reload and try again
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Kids are clever and quick!
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on thefloor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today thatwe didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of thealphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a goodcook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly thesame as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on thefloor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today thatwe didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of thealphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a goodcook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly thesame as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Marriage versus single life
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
For whom the Tells bowled
1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."
3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"
5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest
quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in
Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6) A thief ! broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite
off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on."
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant and the! first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides.
10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them
and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't
lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping
one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."
3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"
5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest
quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in
Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6) A thief ! broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite
off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on."
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant and the! first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides.
10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them
and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't
lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping
one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Story with a Moral
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
The Blond and the Sheep
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Useless Info but may bring a smile.......
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Saturday, April 23, 2005
A Message from the Wife!
THE WHYS OF MEN
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
they don't have enough time
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapour lock
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don't know...it never happened
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
they don't have enough time
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapour lock
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don't know...it never happened
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
Monday, March 28, 2005
Engage brain before opening mouth!
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.". Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?". This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story. We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.". Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?". This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story. We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Adam Talks All About Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
You know you're living in 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
50 THINGS WOMEN CAN'T DO ........
1. know anything about a car except its colour
2. understand a film plot
3. go 24 hours without sending a text message
4. lift
5. throw
6. run
7. park
8. fart
9. read a map
10. rob a bank
11. resist Ikea
12. sit still
13. tell a joke
14. play pool
15. pay for dinner
16. eat a kebab whilst walking
17. pee out of a train window
18. argue without shouting
19. get told off without crying
20. understand fruit machines
21. walk past a shoe shop
22. make a decent bacon sandwich
23. not comment on a strangers clothes
24. use small amounts of toilet paper
25. let you sleep with a hangover
26. drink a pint gracefully
27. get a round in
28. throw a punch
29. do magic
30. like your friends
31. enjoy porn
32. eat a really hot curry
33. get to the point
34. buy plain envelopes
35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
38. avoid credit card debt
39. dive into a pool
40. assemble furniture
41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb
42. set a video recorder
43. not try and change you
44. watch a war film
45. understand why flirting results in violence
46. spend a day by themselves
47. go to the toilet by themselves
48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket
49. choose a video quickly
50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of
the above
2. understand a film plot
3. go 24 hours without sending a text message
4. lift
5. throw
6. run
7. park
8. fart
9. read a map
10. rob a bank
11. resist Ikea
12. sit still
13. tell a joke
14. play pool
15. pay for dinner
16. eat a kebab whilst walking
17. pee out of a train window
18. argue without shouting
19. get told off without crying
20. understand fruit machines
21. walk past a shoe shop
22. make a decent bacon sandwich
23. not comment on a strangers clothes
24. use small amounts of toilet paper
25. let you sleep with a hangover
26. drink a pint gracefully
27. get a round in
28. throw a punch
29. do magic
30. like your friends
31. enjoy porn
32. eat a really hot curry
33. get to the point
34. buy plain envelopes
35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
38. avoid credit card debt
39. dive into a pool
40. assemble furniture
41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb
42. set a video recorder
43. not try and change you
44. watch a war film
45. understand why flirting results in violence
46. spend a day by themselves
47. go to the toilet by themselves
48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket
49. choose a video quickly
50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of
the above
Monday, March 14, 2005
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Kevin Keegan
Kevin Keegan has left Manchester City, but perhaps his greatest legacy as a manager will be his (alleged!) silly sayings, many of which I am pleased to list below. - enjoy!
You get bunches of players like you do bananas...though that is a bad comparison.
Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.
People will say that was typical City, which really annoys me. But that's typical City, I suppose...
By the end he [Asprilla] was knackered-o. I think that's the Spanish for it.
They're the second best team in the world and there's no higher praise than that.
One of his strengths is not heading.
He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength.
My father was a miner and he worked down a mine.
If I had a blank piece of paper there'd be five names on it.
Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they're different countries...
I didn’t see a lot. When Benitez learns a bit more English someone have to tell him to sit down.
England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to none.
Against France we'll have to be at our best both technically, tactically and spirit-wise.
You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw.
We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half.
I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.
He [SWP] is now getting paid what he deserves to be paid. I don't approve of using kids as cheap labour.
The 33 or 34 year olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.
Maine Road was a great football stadium but as time moved on it stayed where it is...
Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.
Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.
The tide is very much in our court now.
The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23.
You don't get two chances at this level, or at any other level for that matter.
He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted.
Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders.
There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.
It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.
England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world.
I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is.
But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.
They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different...
In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.
Should Al-Fayed get a British passport? 1000 per cent yes.
The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game...
Despite his white boots, he has real pace...
That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved.
Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 2Os or 3Os.
The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.
The ref was vertically 15 yards away.
Sir John Hall was a multi-millionaire when I came back to Newcastle. With all the players I've bought, I'm trying to make him just an ordinary millionaire.
Football's always easier when you've got the ball.
People still have the concept of one big bath, but the way forward hygeine-wise is single baths.
It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.
I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.
I'm not trying to make excuses for David Seaman, but I think the lights may have been a problem...
The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it.
I'm not disappointed - just disappointed.
There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow.
I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different.
We managed to wrong a few rights.
It's my job not to get beheaded.
I'll never play at Wembley again, unless I play at Wembley again.
Sometimes there are too many generals and not enough people waving to the generals as they walk past.
A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off.
That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong.
Danny Tiatto is not going to make a mistake on purpose.
He'll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he'll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field.
He’s [Shaun Wright-Phillips] got a heart as big as his size, which isn’t big, but his heart’s bigger than that.
The problem in our country is that we use hindsight as our judge. When she [Margaret Thatcher] was in power, there were a lot of good things done, but people will always pick out bad things. She was a good lady.
You get bunches of players like you do bananas...though that is a bad comparison.
Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.
People will say that was typical City, which really annoys me. But that's typical City, I suppose...
By the end he [Asprilla] was knackered-o. I think that's the Spanish for it.
They're the second best team in the world and there's no higher praise than that.
One of his strengths is not heading.
He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength.
My father was a miner and he worked down a mine.
If I had a blank piece of paper there'd be five names on it.
Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they're different countries...
I didn’t see a lot. When Benitez learns a bit more English someone have to tell him to sit down.
England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to none.
Against France we'll have to be at our best both technically, tactically and spirit-wise.
You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw.
We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half.
I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.
He [SWP] is now getting paid what he deserves to be paid. I don't approve of using kids as cheap labour.
The 33 or 34 year olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.
Maine Road was a great football stadium but as time moved on it stayed where it is...
Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.
Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.
The tide is very much in our court now.
The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23.
You don't get two chances at this level, or at any other level for that matter.
He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted.
Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders.
There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.
It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.
England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world.
I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is.
But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.
They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different...
In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.
Should Al-Fayed get a British passport? 1000 per cent yes.
The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game...
Despite his white boots, he has real pace...
That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved.
Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 2Os or 3Os.
The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.
The ref was vertically 15 yards away.
Sir John Hall was a multi-millionaire when I came back to Newcastle. With all the players I've bought, I'm trying to make him just an ordinary millionaire.
Football's always easier when you've got the ball.
People still have the concept of one big bath, but the way forward hygeine-wise is single baths.
It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.
I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.
I'm not trying to make excuses for David Seaman, but I think the lights may have been a problem...
The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it.
I'm not disappointed - just disappointed.
There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow.
I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different.
We managed to wrong a few rights.
It's my job not to get beheaded.
I'll never play at Wembley again, unless I play at Wembley again.
Sometimes there are too many generals and not enough people waving to the generals as they walk past.
A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off.
That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong.
Danny Tiatto is not going to make a mistake on purpose.
He'll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he'll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field.
He’s [Shaun Wright-Phillips] got a heart as big as his size, which isn’t big, but his heart’s bigger than that.
The problem in our country is that we use hindsight as our judge. When she [Margaret Thatcher] was in power, there were a lot of good things done, but people will always pick out bad things. She was a good lady.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
The dangers of alcohol!
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
For sale!!
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
For all my Welsh friends!! - Enjoy it while you can!!
A copy of an email I received today from a Welsh friend of mine - I am sure we World Champions can allow a little Welsh humour (by the way, my grandparents are Irish so I shall be happy if Ireland win tomorrow!!!)
1)Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down.Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: "England for the Six Nations, England for the Six Nations, England for the Six Nations." On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe!
2) Q:What's the England Rugby Team and a three pin electrical plug got in common?
A: They're both useless in Europe!
3) Wales were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Gavin Henson getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Gavin to go out on his own. "No worries," Gavin told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened. "After the game Gavin headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score - 95-3. "What!!!!", said a furious Gareth Thomas, "How did you let them get three points? "Gavin replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
4) A leading member of MENSA found he had great difficulty in talking to other people due to his superior IQ. He decided to visit a scientist who could lower his intelligence just enough to have a
typical conversation. Now just sit back and relax said the scientist while strapping the machine to the man's head. It then showed his IQ: 200...199...198...197... While this was happening the phone began to ring. Distracted, the scientist went to talk to his friend who had rung. A few hours later he realised that the genius was still attached to the machine. He rushed in and looked at the
device: 6...5...4...3... The scientist quickly switched the machine off and revived the man, now, only with an IQ of 2. Oh my God are you all rite...speak to me! He asked. The man smiled back and started to sing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot**.."!
5) It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret. The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. She approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays rugby for England, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
6) A young boy approached his grandmother one day and he said to her: "Grandma, I don't want to live at home any more. My mother beats me and my father beats me." "Well," said his grandmother, "who do you want to live with?"
The boy replied: "I want to live with the England rugby team."
"Why is that?" his grandmother asked. "Because they don't beat anybody"
7) Dai was on his way home from the England v Wales match on Saturday when just after joining the M4 he ended up in a massive traffic jam. He wound down the window and thought to himself, “This seems bad, nothings moving at all.” He noticed a police officer walking back and forth, in and out of all the cars, so Dai shouts over, “Scuse me officer, what's going on then?” The officer replies, an “England fan, so depressed about losing to Wales today and the prospect of winning nothing again this year, he feels a right idiot for gobbing off saying England are the best team in the world, he's actually threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire!!” The officer goes on – “His family find him arrogant, and he hasn't got many mates. I'm just walking around taking up a collection for him.” “Oh tidy” says Dai, “how much have you collected so far?”
“So far,” replies the officer, “we've collected about 100 litres, but a lot of people are still
siphoning!!!”
8) Q: What do you get if you cross the England Rugby Team with an OXO cube?
A: A laughing stock!
9) Q: What do you do if you are locked in a cage with a lion, a tiger and an English fan and you have a gun with only two bullets?
A: Shoot the English fan (TWICE)
10) England had their training delayed for two hours today when one of their players discovered a suspicious white substance on the pitch. Andy Robinson took a look before calling the police. The drug squad investigated, but couldn't confirm that the substance was safe. Training was allowed to continue, though, as there was absolutely no chance of any of the England players getting near the try line.
11) Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, "Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there." His partner replied, "Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight." The third Englishman said, "Wait here chaps. I know how to do it." He went over to the Welshman and said, St David was a bloody sissy!", to which the Welshman replied, "Ah well you don't say!" and calmly resumed drinking his beer. The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, "St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!" The Welshman again replied, "You are quick as lightning, you don't say!" and calmly resumed drinking his beer. The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and screamed, "St David was an Englishman!" The Welshman replied: "That's what you're 'butties' were trying to tell me."
12) Jeremy Guscott dies when his car collides with a Sweet Chariot that was Swinging Low, just after the Wales v England match. He arrives at the pearly gates to be met by St Peter. "Jeremy, welcome to heaven," said Peter. "You have been allowed here because of your contribution to English rugby and the British Lions." "Thanks and all that," replied Jeremy. "But I am only coming
in as long as there are no Welsh . After what they did to England today, I never want to see a Welshman again."
"Don't Worry about that, there are no Welshmen here come on in..." The first few days were the best of Jerry's life, he had modelling contracts galore and he got to watch re-runs of all his tries on a massive cinema screen. He was happy. Until one day, he was walking back from the cinema when he saw a golden field, with two golden "H's". In the middle of the field was a man with glowing hair, golden boots and the scarlet red jersey of Wales. Every kick sent the golden rugby ball clean between the posts. Jerry hurried back to St Peter, fuming. "Look!! You promised me there were no Welshmen here! What is that over there!!!" "Oh that, don't worry, Jerry. That's God - he just thinks he's Welsh!"
1)Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down.Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: "England for the Six Nations, England for the Six Nations, England for the Six Nations." On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe!
2) Q:What's the England Rugby Team and a three pin electrical plug got in common?
A: They're both useless in Europe!
3) Wales were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Gavin Henson getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Gavin to go out on his own. "No worries," Gavin told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened. "After the game Gavin headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score - 95-3. "What!!!!", said a furious Gareth Thomas, "How did you let them get three points? "Gavin replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
4) A leading member of MENSA found he had great difficulty in talking to other people due to his superior IQ. He decided to visit a scientist who could lower his intelligence just enough to have a
typical conversation. Now just sit back and relax said the scientist while strapping the machine to the man's head. It then showed his IQ: 200...199...198...197... While this was happening the phone began to ring. Distracted, the scientist went to talk to his friend who had rung. A few hours later he realised that the genius was still attached to the machine. He rushed in and looked at the
device: 6...5...4...3... The scientist quickly switched the machine off and revived the man, now, only with an IQ of 2. Oh my God are you all rite...speak to me! He asked. The man smiled back and started to sing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot**.."!
5) It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret. The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. She approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays rugby for England, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
6) A young boy approached his grandmother one day and he said to her: "Grandma, I don't want to live at home any more. My mother beats me and my father beats me." "Well," said his grandmother, "who do you want to live with?"
The boy replied: "I want to live with the England rugby team."
"Why is that?" his grandmother asked. "Because they don't beat anybody"
7) Dai was on his way home from the England v Wales match on Saturday when just after joining the M4 he ended up in a massive traffic jam. He wound down the window and thought to himself, “This seems bad, nothings moving at all.” He noticed a police officer walking back and forth, in and out of all the cars, so Dai shouts over, “Scuse me officer, what's going on then?” The officer replies, an “England fan, so depressed about losing to Wales today and the prospect of winning nothing again this year, he feels a right idiot for gobbing off saying England are the best team in the world, he's actually threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire!!” The officer goes on – “His family find him arrogant, and he hasn't got many mates. I'm just walking around taking up a collection for him.” “Oh tidy” says Dai, “how much have you collected so far?”
“So far,” replies the officer, “we've collected about 100 litres, but a lot of people are still
siphoning!!!”
8) Q: What do you get if you cross the England Rugby Team with an OXO cube?
A: A laughing stock!
9) Q: What do you do if you are locked in a cage with a lion, a tiger and an English fan and you have a gun with only two bullets?
A: Shoot the English fan (TWICE)
10) England had their training delayed for two hours today when one of their players discovered a suspicious white substance on the pitch. Andy Robinson took a look before calling the police. The drug squad investigated, but couldn't confirm that the substance was safe. Training was allowed to continue, though, as there was absolutely no chance of any of the England players getting near the try line.
11) Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, "Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there." His partner replied, "Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight." The third Englishman said, "Wait here chaps. I know how to do it." He went over to the Welshman and said, St David was a bloody sissy!", to which the Welshman replied, "Ah well you don't say!" and calmly resumed drinking his beer. The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, "St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!" The Welshman again replied, "You are quick as lightning, you don't say!" and calmly resumed drinking his beer. The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and screamed, "St David was an Englishman!" The Welshman replied: "That's what you're 'butties' were trying to tell me."
12) Jeremy Guscott dies when his car collides with a Sweet Chariot that was Swinging Low, just after the Wales v England match. He arrives at the pearly gates to be met by St Peter. "Jeremy, welcome to heaven," said Peter. "You have been allowed here because of your contribution to English rugby and the British Lions." "Thanks and all that," replied Jeremy. "But I am only coming
in as long as there are no Welsh . After what they did to England today, I never want to see a Welshman again."
"Don't Worry about that, there are no Welshmen here come on in..." The first few days were the best of Jerry's life, he had modelling contracts galore and he got to watch re-runs of all his tries on a massive cinema screen. He was happy. Until one day, he was walking back from the cinema when he saw a golden field, with two golden "H's". In the middle of the field was a man with glowing hair, golden boots and the scarlet red jersey of Wales. Every kick sent the golden rugby ball clean between the posts. Jerry hurried back to St Peter, fuming. "Look!! You promised me there were no Welshmen here! What is that over there!!!" "Oh that, don't worry, Jerry. That's God - he just thinks he's Welsh!"
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
A YOUNG MAN CALLED LEE INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER.DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME LEE'S FLATMATE WAS.
SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT,SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN LEE AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE.
READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, LEE VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, STUART & I ARE JUST FLATMATES".
ABOUT A WEEK LATER, STUART CAME TO LEE SAYING, "EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?"
"WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID LEE, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:
“DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.LOVE LEE.”
SEVERAL DAYS LATER, LEE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:
“DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH STUART, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH STUART, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM.”
LESSON OF THE DAY: DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Saturday, February 12, 2005
A few more "Customer Enquiries"
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are the opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are the opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)