The Thoughts of Marx (Groucho that is).

A few of my favourite quotes the the wonderful Grouch Marx.

• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
• Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
• Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.

Click here to buy Groucho: the Life and Times of Julius Henry Marx

Sayings of Muhammed Ali

Ali was undoubtedly one of, if not the, most talented boxers the world has ever seen. He was also a great entertainer, showman and philospher. Here are some of his sayings.

• A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
• At home I am a nice guy: but I don’t want the world to know. Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far.
• Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
• Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.
• Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
• Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
• I hated every minute of training, but I said, ”Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
• I never thought of losing, but now that it’ s happened, the only thing is to do it right. That’s my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life.
• I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.
• I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
• It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
• It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.
• Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.
• My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Click here to buy Muhammad Ali - the Greatest [2002]

David Beckham

As David Beckham has now left Real Madrid in Spain on his way to Los Angeles, I thought it might be good time to post a few old Beckham jokes for the benefit of out American readers who may not have realised just how many jokes there were about him, especially from his earlier days.

• The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. “Boss,” he says, “there’s a problem. I’m not playing unless I get a cortisone injection.”"Hey,” says Becks. “If he’s having a new car, so am I.”

• David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. “What’s that?” he asks. “A Thermos flask,” replies the assistant. “What does it do?” asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. “Here, boys, look at this,” Beckham says proudly. “It’s a Thermos flask.” The lads are impressed. “What does it do?” they ask. “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, “says David. “What have you got in it?” asks Roy Keane. “Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice,” replies David.
• David Beckham is celebrating; “43 days, 43 days!” he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why is he celebrating. He answers “Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days.” “And that’s good?” asks Posh. “You bet Hon” says David.”It says 3 to 6 years on the box.”
• Q: What would David Beckham’s name be if he was a Spice Girl?
  A: Waste of Spice
• What’s the difference between David Beckham and God? God doesn’t think he’s David Beckham!
• How do you make David Beckham laugh on a Thursday? Tell him a joke on Monday.

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children’s failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The outgoing message:

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5

* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

* To complain about bus transport - Press 9

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

LASTLY:

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort:

Hang up and have a really wonderful day!

If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is England.

More of Woody Allen

After my recent posting of Woody Allen quotes on sex and death proved so popular, here are some more on life and money:-

• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
• And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
• Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
• In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
• In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
• The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Woody Allen Quotes

Many of Woody Allen’s quotes are regarding sex or death - here are a few of my favourites:-

• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
• It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
• Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
• A ”Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  
• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  
• Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
• Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
• Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
• Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

And finally, a quote that refers to sex and death:-

• The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  

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